In 1991 I met a seemingly nice man who eventually introduced me to the Bible and, in 1992, I accepted Christ. When this man, who was sometimes moody, talked of marriage I never went into prayer about my decision. As a new Christian, I didn’t know enough to do that. I assumed that, since he’d brought me to the Lord, it was God’s will. That was a wrong assumption I’m sure. Over the years the teaching I heard on being Christian and divorced only served to keep me bound.
Initially, I didn’t realize the extent of his issues. My insecurities made it easy for him to pass the blame for our problems on me. Again, being extremely insecure, I took the load and believed it was my job to fix the situation. I thought it was my job to help my husband get well.
Seeking Help
Through eight or nine counselors over 13 years, I did learn a great deal. Over time I realized that my (now) ex-husband had serious issues stemming from an abusive childhood. I also had issues from childhood, but as I learned I began to work on myself.
What they told me in church was that I was stuck. I could not be Christian and divorced. What I heard and believed for a long time was that, no matter how he treated me or my daughter, as long as he didn’t hit us or molest her, I had to stay and help him “get well.” As I healed emotionally I began to question that teaching. Ultimately, the most important lessons I learned were from the revelations of other Christians who divorced.
Finding Help
First, I heard someone teaching that reaching the point of divorce, like accomplishing a successful marriage, takes two people. A man in the audience spoke up, “No. It doesn’t.” He went on to explain that one spouse can refuse to compromise. Only one spouse can choose to engage in an affair or to walk away from God. He was obviously Christian and divorced.
To be truly successful a marriage requires two parties agreeing to work together, each putting the other person’s needs above their own. That’s why the Bible calls it a “covenant” and once entered into cannot be broken.
Covenant: a binding, unbreakable, and lifelong contract voluntarily agreed to between two parties.
Therefore, if both do not equally, wholeheartedly commit, the arrangement is not a covenant. Sadly, most marriages are not covenants. Ergo, they are not bound by Biblical law.
The “covenant relationship” that is spoken of in the Bible must be clarified. I’m not saying that God sanctions divorce. What I am saying is that the Lord has shown me that He does not sanction abuse of any kind; physical, sexual, or emotional and never requires His children to remain in an unhealthy environment. He has shown me that His plan for marriage is for both parties to become separately whole, then grow together and become one.
God Hates Divorce
In another example, I watched as a friend finally decided to force her abusive husband to leave. Before leaving he convinced their youngest child that her mother was breaking God’s law if she got a divorce. Using the Word of God as a self-serving tool he quoted Malachi 2:16, “For I hate divorce…”
When confronted by her child the Lord spoke through her with the exact words necessary to explain. God does hate divorce. He hates the selfishness, stubborn attitudes, and abuse that cause divorce. Further, He hates when his children are abused in a union that was created by God to bring two of His children together as one flesh. He doesn’t hate Christians who divorce, but the hardness of heart that divides.
“He said to them, ‘Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.’” Matthew 19:8
Grounds for Christian Divorce
Repeatedly I’ve heard teaching that the sole grounds for divorce in the New Testament are for sexual sin (cheating) or desertion, sometimes applying the latter only to unbelievers. But in Hebrews 13:5 Jesus repeated what God said Deuteronomy 31:6, “I will never leave you NOR forsake you.”
Is this a repetitive sentence? Don’t “leave” and “forsake” have the same meaning? The answer is no, they don’t. After further study to “leave” it this text means to walk out the door, vacate the premises, physically exit. To “forsake” means to leave without physically exiting. It means to disconnect emotionally, turn one’s back on, to reject. Many times one spouse will “forsake” another without leaving the marriage. Considering marriage is an emotional bond, in this case, one spouse has abandoned the other.
There are two types of contracts; unilateral and bilateral. A unilateral is a one-sided contract. Bilateral contracts involve both parties making a promise. Covenants can only fall into the bilateral category. The agreement I entered into was not a Godly covenant because both parties were not committed to that type of a union. Covenants are never one-sided. Ergo, a marriage is only a covenant when both parties are equally committed never to leave or forsake the other. This fact leads Christians to divorce.
Forsaken: Married but Alone
While still in that marriage I anguished, having been forsaken. My heart had been crushed repeatedly and I was alone. In my opinion, there is nothing worse than being married and alone. In those dark times I considered suicide, my daughter could well be the only reason I remain on this earth. I struggled to believe that God had not left me in an earthly hell forever. Near my emotional end, I heard a preacher state that, “God won’t leave His daughter with a fool forever.” It gave me such hope that things would change.
Finally, I realized that he was refusing to get well. The Lord gave him every opportunity, but he chose to stay emotionally damaged. This brought about another revelation. God won’t force healing. It’s your choice to remain broken and unproductive. Also, it is your choice to die, physically or emotionally, when healing is available.
Better or Bitter
As a Christian I was still seeking pastoral advice. I continued to fill myself with Biblical teaching and listened to teachers hoping for a shred of help. One day I heard a preacher on television ask, “Are you getting better or bitter?” The answer was clear, I was becoming increasingly bitter.
When I began to consider homicide I knew some end was near. Yes, I admit it, I wanted him dead. In 2001 our youth pastor was killed in an accident. He was a wonderful, young man and I remember thinking, “why him and not him?” I’m not proud of it but I am honest about how far I had fallen into bitterness and despair.
One day I hit bottom. In a moment I understood the women I’d seen on the TV show “Snapped.” I could relate with how you could snap to end your suffering, no matter the cost. Therefore, I concluded that divorce or prison were my only options, regardless of what the church had taught me about Christians and divorce. I had to take my chances with God.
Finally Free
As I began the divorce process and removed myself from the situation I realized that God was not the one keeping in that situation. It was man. It was man’s teaching and man’s counsel. To this day, 13 years later, God has never turned his back on me. Thinking back I believe he released me long before I believed I could depart.
Still Christian and Divorced
A few months after my divorce was finalized I was attending the smallest church I’d ever visited. It was the night before Thanksgiving and the pastor asked the 25 or 30 people in attendance to share what they were thankful for that year. Immediately divorce jumped to my mind. Knowing that this congregation couldn’t handle hearing that truth, I kept quiet. The church accepted me only at arm’s length because they believed you couldn’t be Christian and divorced.
Still today I am so grateful and I know, disagree if you must, that the Lord led me out of that marriage. He released me, knowing I had done my best and given all I had to give. He set me free.
Covenant Marriage
The Lord led me to California after my divorce. It wasn’t long before I met a man at that small church. When he said hello I immediately knew God was involved. That doesn’t mean I thought it was a great plan. My reaction was, “Absolutely not!” “Never!” If you ask my husband, I became extremely unfriendly and eventually left that church, for several reasons, mostly in an effort to avoid him.
It took time, seven months of extreme spiritual prodding, for me to trust God’s plan. After recently celebrating 10 years “happy” of marriage, I can say without a doubt that this marriage was God’s will.
The Lord gave me a man who would join in covenant with me. We have learned to cooperate, compromise, and communicate openly about everything. We are both committed to each other and to working on ourselves.
Not Again!
In conclusion, although each party must take their share of the blame in a failed relationship, one person can cause the demise of a marriage. The one who is unwilling to change. Our success over the past 10 years proves a previous point. In our prior relationships, it wasn’t either one of us.
Our previous hellacious experiences have taught us many things, like perspective. Real problems are measured by horrifying accidents, serious illnesses, and catastrophic events. We have no real problems; just minor, fixable issues.
Most importantly, God will bless our efforts, even when they cannot overcome and divorce is the only answer. His will is for covenant marriages that produce peace and happiness. My final advice: let God pick ’em. He is such a better judge of character than any of us.
I, Donna Milner, and my husband, Bobby, have been traveling the country in an RV for the past three years. We are accompanied by our dog, Spotty, and cat, Princess. Bobby installs solar farms while I write and create. Traveling in an RV was a lifelong dream of mine that the Lord has brought to pass, along with the dream of a covenant marriage.
Spotty and Princess
Check out my other God Said posts or my website and other blogs:
- Chelsi Graphics, LLC
- Call CG online education for small businesses
- RV Lifestylers travel blog
Blessings and peace!