As a Christian I’ve most often heard teaching that marriage is a life-long commitment, no matter the circumstances. Preachers and congregants alike preach against divorce for any reason. Scriptures are quoted that condemn spouses to continued abuse, with the only way of escape being to divorce and remain alone for the remainder of the offending spouse’s lifetime. And YES, one person is all it takes to ruin marriage.
“And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.”
Matthew 19:9
Some may offer the hope of Matthew’s Gospel, which does allow for divorce in the case of “sexual immorality,” yet they condemn the woman to a life of solitude. It’s obvious that this text is not speaking only of immorality on the part of the wife when you research the original Greek definition:
- Illicit Sexual Relations
- adultery
- fornication
- homosexuality
- lesbianism
- bestiality
- incest
As a divorced and remarried woman, I have spent some time with the Scriptures, analyzing their application in my own life. Although I have encountered some condemnation, it has not come from God, but from the church. The truth that the Lord has revealed to me has brought me peace and comfort, knowing the “it is well with my soul.”
Obviously the divorce rate is a serious problem. I believe that our mindset and lack of teaching, in regards to marriage, is at the heart of the problem. In today’s society, most people consider marriage a contract, if even that. Statistically, most people approach the altar thinking, “if this doesn’t work out, I can just get divorced.” Many, carrying the baggage of passed break ups, enter into their second (or third) marriage, vowing to themselves that they will not tolerate A, B and C; they will not do D, E and F.
Many approach marriage with a prenuptial agreement (a written contract), to guard against a vicious break up. In other words, in case I do something so terrible that you want to ream me for everything that’s mine, mine, mine; sign here.
There are two sides in a contract. A contract states what each side is agreeing to do to honor that contract. Today’s courts see marriage as a contract that can fairly easily be dissolved.
- Contract
- a written or spoken agreement
- agreement listing specific duties of each party
The God of the Bible sees marriage as much more than a contract; as a covenant. These two agreements are extraordinarily different and any approach to marriage that does not involve covenant, reveals a carnal mindset.
“Yet you say, ‘For what reason?’ Because the LORD has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously though she is your companion and your wife by covenant.”
Malachi 2:14
- Covenant
- Alliance (union or association formed for mutual benefit)
- Pledge (solemn promise or undertaking)
- Pact (formal agreement)
Entering into a covenant is much more binding that a mere contract. In Biblical terms, when two people enter into a covenant, they become one. The parties are agreeing that whatever each has is now equally the other person’s possession as well. The covenant relationship eliminates any separation of the parties; no longer two, but one in agreement. Covenant indicates reciprocity.
Reciprocity
- mutual dependence, action, or influence
- mutual exchange of privileges
In essence, this is an eternal, mutual agreement that, as long as the two shall live, they commit to do whatever is necessary to honor the other party’s needs above their own. A covenant can only be formed through mutual agreement and commitment. If either party does not agree to honor their counterpart as described, the agreement diminishes to a contract.
The Lord knew that one person could not make a marriage work; it must be a mutual or shared effort. One person cannot do all the compromising necessary in any relationship. One person can not bend in every situation, or that person will break. This is what we’re seeing in so many cases in court rooms across the country. I’ve seen for myself many cases in which one person in the marriage is unbending; unwilling to compromise for the sake of the relationship. After years of bending, there is a break and, for the sake of mental health, that person walks, sometimes crawls, out of the relationship.
Christian men who enter into a contractual marriage often quote, Ephesians 5:22, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord,” while omitting one verse earlier, 5:21, “submitting to one another in the fear of God.”
- Submit
- accept or yield to a superior force or to the authority or will of another person
I have concluded that the Lord meant for marriage to be a covenant. Not an equal 50/50 partnership, but an all-in agreement, with each spouse completely committed, 100/100. Without this commitment there is truly not a God-ordained relationship; just a contract that can be broken. We must renew our minds in the church and teach the difference between carnal marriage contracts and the Biblical, covenant relationship.
“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.”
Romans 12:2
A prominent preacher, Pastor Jimmy Evans, who focuses his studies and teaching on marriage says, “your marriage has a 100% chance of success.” I agree. BUT, I believe he needs a disclaimer. After all, the word “if” appears over 1400 times in the Bible, citing personal responsibility. In my experience, any marriage has a near 100% probability of success IF you both commit completely, with your whole heart, to a covenant relationship.
I pray that the church begins to teach Covenant to congregants and especially in premarital counseling. We must change our teaching so that society will change their thinking.
“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results”.
— Albert Einstein
Happily, I can report that I have that now. It is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. We are both all in. There is nothing we wouldn’t do for each other. That type of commitment alleviates the possibility of anyone infiltrating the relationship. It eliminates the self conscious feelings we all struggle with and lifts self esteem to new heights. Divorce is not an option or even a talking point. It doesn’t have to be when both spouses are committed, above all else, to the marriage.